Please Delete This

Richard wrote:Tim: I’ve been seeing spots before my eyes.

Chuck: That’s terrible. Have you seen a doctor?

Tim: No, just spots.

Richard wrote:Macie: Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

Alan: Why?

Macie: If he lifted the other leg, he would fall over.

Richard wrote:Wise old Tim wonders: “If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?”

Richard wrote:Richard: Tim, if you had 10 cookies and I asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?


Tim: Ten.

Richard wrote:After nearly rolling his camper down the hill and into the woods at Smokey Bear campground, Tim calls Geico Insurance and says, “Is it true that 15 minutes on the phone now could save me 15 percent or more on camper insurance?”

The Geico guy replies, “Yes, you see—”

“Talk slower,” interrupts Tim. “I want to save 30 percent.”

Richard wrote:Richard, Alan and Tim are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

Richard takes a jug of water. Alan takes a sandwich. Tim takes one of the car doors.

Richard says to Tim: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?"

Tim replies, "If I get hot, I can just roll down the window."

Richard wrote:Richard, Tim and Alan are talking about what they want people to say about them after they die.

Tim says, "I want them to say, 'He was a good man and he did a good job.' "

Richard says, "I want them to say, 'He left behind three sweet little kids and a loving wife.' "

Alan says, "Those are nice, but I want them to say, 'Look, he's moving.' "

Richard wrote:Times were getting tough so Tim goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.


A few hours later, Tim comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Richard wrote:When Tim was young he would hang out at the local grocery store. The neighborhood boys thought Tim was two bricks short of a load and liked to tease him.

To prove it, the boys offered Tim his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always took the nickel, they said, because it's bigger.

One day after Tim grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Tim, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger?"

Tim says, "No. I grab the nickel because if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Richard wrote:A police officer stops Tim's car going 75 when the speed limit is 65. The officer asks Tim if he realizes he was speeding.

Tim replies, "Look right there—that sign says the speed limit is 75."

The officer explains that that's the highway number, not the speed limit. As he says this, he looks in the back of the car and sees Tim's Mother breathing very heavily.

The officer asks her if she's O.K., and she says, "Yes, we just got off of Highway 155."

Richard wrote:Darlene: Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?

Dave: Tell me.

Darlene: You might press your luck!

Richard wrote:Richard and Alan were hunting in the woods. Before long, they got lost.

"Don't worry," said Richard. "I heard that if you're lost, you fire three shots in the air so somebody will hear you."

They fired three shots in the air and waited. A half-hour later they tried it again, and still no one heard them. Finally, they decided to try it a third time.

"This better work," said Alan. "These are our last arrows."

Richard wrote:Caroline and Richard get back to camp from the grocery store, and Caroline carries in her box of animal crackers while Her Dad (Richard) does the rest. When Richard comes in with the last bag, he sees animal crackers strewn all over the table.

"What are you doing?" Richard asks.

"The bag says, 'Do not eat if seal is broken,'" she explains. "I'm looking for the seal."

Richard wrote:Chuck: Tim, you knew the ship was sinking, why did you grap a bar of soap instead of a lifejacket?

Tim: I wanted to wash ashore!

Richard wrote:Alan and Richard are sitting under a tree. Alan is reading a book and Richard is writing something. All of a sudden, a bear comes out of the bushes and eats the Alan while he's reading the book. The bear ate only the reader because everyone knows that writers cramp and readers digest!

Richard wrote:Macie: I know someone who can talk just like an owl.

Alan: Who?

Macie: Now I know two.

Richard wrote:Tim: Why don't you play golf with Chuck anymore?

Richard: Would you like to play with a guy who moves the ball when you're not looking, changes your score and cheats all the time?


Tim: Nope.


Richard: Neither did he.

Richard wrote:A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Richard wrote:Wise old Tim wonders: "Shouldn't an air and space museum be empty?"

Richard wrote:Donna was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No, ma'am. They're dead."

Richard wrote:Chuck goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. Delighted, Chuck dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.


Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

Richard wrote:Wise old Tim wonders: "Does Santa Claus refer to his elves as 'subordinate clauses'?"